Behind that smile.

I am feeling sad about meeting Nigella, but I'm wondering if I should be feeling that way.

Last night I was feeling all a-flutter knowing that I will get to see Nigella again. The last time I saw her was when I went to her Heals signing in London two years ago. Nigella's site said that the event at Wholefoods would be a Q&A and a signing. I don't really much care for Wholefoods. But, it was Nigella, so I decided to just chill out and go. The bad feeling - the sadness - began as soon as we (me and Rafa) got to the place people pointed out the signing would take place. There was a long line, and I don't even think Nigella was there yet, and we wouldn't be able to get on line or even get a book signed unless we bought a Nigella Express there and then. It's not the first time that stores have had this policy, but in my experience, they weren't so strict about it as to not let you even get a book signed. And there was no Q&A. We stood on what felt like an extremely long line, just to gt a book signed. Just to get a few mere seconds with our idol. Or maybe Nigella isn't an idol to other people. But she is to me.

When I first joined Nigella.com over three years ago, I honestly thought I'd be there for a few weeks or months, and then move on. But I didn't. Somehow, I stuck around, through everything.The food, the warmth, the beautiful fairy cakes with the pink rose; they got into my blood and turned it feel-good blue. Even though the site is closed down, for who knows how long, I'll still be a Nigella fan... something about the message she gives, the way SHE sees life, and presents it in a glorious meal, will always attract me to the whole Nigella-ness. It was her sweet potato curry that my sister said was the best thing she had ever eaten. Or the chicken cacciatora that Rafa ate it in its entirety. Or the unbelievably proud moment when I made the most delicious chicken pot pie in the whole world. I made it. Nigella gave me the recipe.

So why am I feeling sad? I don't know. I feel like I don't have a pulse on things anymore. I feel like a lot of people are mad at Nigella and her people for the decisions they made, like Nigella owes them anything. I'm feeling sad because it all feels like it's pulling away somehow. Maybe Nigella does these rule-driven book signings because she doesn't care about doing this for much longer. Maybe the book will be her last hurrah, so why bother give a Q&A? Maybe she's sick of us fans. Maybe she wants to return to a normal life. Or maybe... they just didn't have the right venue for a Q&A. That her people didn't prepare in enough time. That I'm taking this stuff all too personally. She doesn't owe me anything either. I just felt like the love was lost. So much so that I let my shyness take over and didn't say more to Nigella other than a quick hello. So that's why I'm sad, I think. I expected a really wonderful experience, like the previous two times I met her, but it wasn't like that all. She was like any other chef in any city in any country, doing a book signing. Yes, that's why I'm most sad.